Trading Doubt For Faith

This weekend I found myself at our annual friends women's retreat. The first night the speaker started her teaching, I expected a message about loving God, loving yourself, or maybe something about giving God our worries (I need to hear both of these messages all the time). However, she threw me a curve ball and questioned my faith.

Faith? My faith is fine. 

I mean I believe in God, I have faith that he is with me, that is powerful- even that he does miracles. After all, I have seen him do miracles in Elina. She wasn't speaking about any of these kinds of faith, however, but rather faith that God can work in me. 

I have baggage, things that I carry with me everywhere. Secrets, Shames, Failures, Hurts; you name it. I got it. I feel sometimes that I have been carrying some of these things so long that God cannot help me with them. Sure he can save my daughter, and he can raise people from the dead; but can he help me overcome my self hatred? It seems impossible.

I also lack faith that God wants to use me. I hear about a person who has done amazing things and I find myself feeling envy. I think, "I could never do something like that" or "I'm just not the kind of person." Here is my true confessionish example. I was at the conference the last night and one woman was talking about how she had always been called to missions; God was renewing that dream within her. I knew her and her story, and I felt something stir within me. She was trusting God to fulfill a dream. Why couldn't I do that? 

Here is the confession part. I have been writing a book. I have been working on it for a few months now, and it has been happening almost despite myself. I have this passion burning inside of me, and I feel like it has to be written or I will go crazy. The pages have been coming, but there has always been this feeling that something inside of me is holding me back. It is the voice of doubt. 

It says,

 "You can't write this, you are not good enough." 

"It will never be published, no one would even look at it"

"How can it make a difference?"

I always think I am just not the kind of person that can actually do this. My mind says Not Good Enough. 

Why do I choose to listen to these voices? Why do I doubt myself, my words? I lack the faith that God could use little me to do something awesome. I lack the faith that I have something that people need to hear. 

Its time to shut down those doubts. Its time to believe. 

Golden 

by Switchfoot

"She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now..."

I will finish this book, and the one that comes after it. I will believe that God can use me. I will believe that God can make me free. I will believe that I am more than just another person, floating through life. When my problems, my holes, seem to big to fix, I will remember faith.

God, give me faith.

_______

I arrived home from the women's retreat renewed and itching to see my family. It has made me extra careful to soak everything in. 

Fall has reminded me of the Midwest's charm. I am looking forward to community picnics, annual auctions, and the magic of this season.

What says fall better than a baby in a pumpkin patch? 

This fall I will live with my heart and my eyes open. I will shut off the voices of doubt and instead pursue my dreams. I will wake up and find memories in the making. Oh, I am loving life. Care to join me?