Honest Moments: Struggles with Developmental Delays

Let me be honest: I stink at being honest.


I am the first person to sugar coat. I am horribly quick to reply "Good!" when you ask me how I am doing, even when I just got done crying in the girls bathroom (cliche, but true).


So I am starting a series called, "Honest Moments", to challenge myself to give it to you straight about some of the difficulties we face.


Why is it such a struggle for me to talk about how difficult our road can be? I fear that we will become that family. You know, that family, that is always dredging up their sob stories. They are notorious for saying things such as, "Well, if you think that's bad..." or "Join the club" (Which for the record is one of my all  time least favorite things to hear).   That family whines about their lives and fails to realize that everyone is going through their own struggles. So, I am going to take the chance and let you into my mind, even if we do come off as that family; in hope that you find a piece of truth to bring into your own life.


Developmental Delays:


When I first looked at the development charts, after Elina was born, I felt confident and maybe a little prideful. I thought to myself that Elina was going to blow everyone out of the water. She was going to overcome every expectation that the world had. In my mind, she was to be so advanced that the top expert doctors would flock to our door and ask to do a case study on Elina Esperanza, the girl who overcame Down Syndrome (you might think i'm exaggerating, but not in the slightest, I have actually thought these things). I scoffed at the "Down Syndrome Developmental Charts". My girl was going to blow through development like a bullet through jello.


Reality Check.


A few months ago I began to feel a cold worry spreading in my mind. I began to watch as Elina's development began to slow in comparison to her peers. She wasn't ahead. She wasn't even on time with some things. I talked myself out of panic by telling myself that she was just behind because of her heart condition; that she would catch up as soon as she was all healed.


A few more months went by and, though she had accomplished a lot of great things, I started to realize a great fear. People began to ask me questions like, "Is she sitting up yet?" or " Has she started crawling?" These seemingly harmless questions began to make me feel embarrassed and even defensive. People had started to notice that she was behind, that she was different.


Which brings me to the point where I have found myself:  face to face with the facts I can't change.


Elina is developmentally delayed.


...as much as people tell me that they can't tell she has Down's.


...as much physical therapy as I can demand.


...as much as my habitual denial can push it away.


It remains true.


She struggles to do what most of us take for granted.


So I find myself praying that God would help her to grow and master these things; but I have to stop and ask myself if I want it for the right reasons.


Why am I embarrassed? Why do I need her to be "normal"? Why am I forcing her into a competition that I have created in my mind?


Its for the same reason that I spend hours looking up other babies online to see how she compares. Its the same reason why I look at my own reflection and feel disappointed.


The pressure to be lovable, accepted, beautiful, smart, human.


It is a poison that I both hate and cling to.


For me, this is the moment where I feel myself turning to God. In His eyes, Elina is beautiful. He sees the pure, tear jerking beauty within her heart and is satisfied. She doesn't need  to fight to fit in, or climb to the top. He intended her to be free, to grow in her own time in the shadow of His wings. When I accept this (it is something I must realize fresh all the time), I can breathe. I can stop and take it in; the beauty of who she is and the truth that her being "delayed" doesn't define who she is.


So take your time baby girl. Live your life of joy. Don't let us rush you in our panic to get you to the finish line; enjoy the journey.


Will I always face the questions about her development without worry? Knowing myself, that is a definite no. I am still finding my way. I have a long way to go with acceptance of all that Elina's conditions bring with them. However, I am walking with more peace in this season of her life.


I will be thankful on her first birthday...


...even if she isn't sitting, crawling, pulling up to stand, walking, etc.


I will look into those stormy blue eyes and glimpse a fierce, terribly beautiful soul... and I will be satisfied.