Honest Moments: Self- Pity

When it comes to self-pity, I take the cake. 

If you have read Anne of Green Gables, then you know what I mean when I say that I am often in, "the depths of despair", meaning that I spend a lot of time thinking about how hard my life has been.

However, recently, I have been starting to wonder how this is helping anything.

During Elina's open heart surgery I had this notion in my head that no one in the surgery waiting room had it as bad as us. I looked around and imagined that everyone else's children were getting a much less drastic, serious surgery than my Elina. I told myself that all the people around me were so worried for much less than myself. 

Why did I do this? I believe now that it helped me to cope. Self-pity has been one of the things that has helped me make it through some of the tough things in my life, not that it is a good thing. I have always told myself that the things I am going through now would make me strong. As a child, it helped me feel that maybe there was a purpose to my suffering.

There have been a few moments this weekend at the Ronald McDonald House that have challenged all of that. 

Last night, we arrived right as dinner was being served to all of the guests at the House. As we sat down, I saw a family arrive to get some food. Right away I noticed that the boy with them showed some signs of chemotherapy. The pain I felt for him was like a punch to the gut. Then a boy and his family sat at a table next to us. He was confined to a wheelchair and unable to move most of his body. I felt as if I cold not breathe. My eyes filled with tears when I realized the serious condition both of these sweet boys were in. 

I looked at my baby girl, and I felt convicted. Elina has done unbelievably well in her surgeries. Her life is not threatened, and though her development may be slowed, we have every reason to hope that she will live a full and healthy life. I had spent so much time feeling that we had so many problems that I did not even stop to gain perspective.

Again, this morning I had a brief conversation with a woman whose daughter had been diagnosed with leukemia. My mind was blank with words to say that could help. I saw the depth of her worry and I felt my heart swell with anger and grief for her. As she left, I told her that we would pray for her and her daughter. As Mikey and I sat down for breakfast, we closed our eyes and asked God to comfort her, to give her hope. The same hope that we needed when Elina was going through heart surgery.


Elina has to deal with unique challenges. God has always been there to listen to my cries. We should never hold back in allowing ourselves to be honest about the pain we go through. There is a line to draw, however.  I will allow my self to feel pain and struggle, but I will not let it become who I am, I will not let it consume me. 


And, it is crazy to compare my problems with those of others. God is concerned with everything from scrapped knees to national tragedies. We can come to him in any moment or emotion. That, is truly something to take heart in. 

So today I am trading in self-pity for a spoonful of plain ol' thankfulness. 

***


Summer lovin'

 Summer is here! Elina is more than loving it. 


When it comes to swimming this girl has no fear. We think she might be part mermaid.

Update: We got back last night from pre-admission, and everything is good to go for next Friday.


More later on surgery details and preparations.


In the meantime, we have some more memories to make (plus a whole lot of very small laundry to fold)