Trading Doubt For Faith

This weekend I found myself at our annual friends women's retreat. The first night the speaker started her teaching, I expected a message about loving God, loving yourself, or maybe something about giving God our worries (I need to hear both of these messages all the time). However, she threw me a curve ball and questioned my faith.

Faith? My faith is fine. 

I mean I believe in God, I have faith that he is with me, that is powerful- even that he does miracles. After all, I have seen him do miracles in Elina. She wasn't speaking about any of these kinds of faith, however, but rather faith that God can work in me. 

I have baggage, things that I carry with me everywhere. Secrets, Shames, Failures, Hurts; you name it. I got it. I feel sometimes that I have been carrying some of these things so long that God cannot help me with them. Sure he can save my daughter, and he can raise people from the dead; but can he help me overcome my self hatred? It seems impossible.

I also lack faith that God wants to use me. I hear about a person who has done amazing things and I find myself feeling envy. I think, "I could never do something like that" or "I'm just not the kind of person." Here is my true confessionish example. I was at the conference the last night and one woman was talking about how she had always been called to missions; God was renewing that dream within her. I knew her and her story, and I felt something stir within me. She was trusting God to fulfill a dream. Why couldn't I do that? 

Here is the confession part. I have been writing a book. I have been working on it for a few months now, and it has been happening almost despite myself. I have this passion burning inside of me, and I feel like it has to be written or I will go crazy. The pages have been coming, but there has always been this feeling that something inside of me is holding me back. It is the voice of doubt. 

It says,

 "You can't write this, you are not good enough." 

"It will never be published, no one would even look at it"

"How can it make a difference?"

I always think I am just not the kind of person that can actually do this. My mind says Not Good Enough. 

Why do I choose to listen to these voices? Why do I doubt myself, my words? I lack the faith that God could use little me to do something awesome. I lack the faith that I have something that people need to hear. 

Its time to shut down those doubts. Its time to believe. 

Golden 

by Switchfoot

"She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now..."

I will finish this book, and the one that comes after it. I will believe that God can use me. I will believe that God can make me free. I will believe that I am more than just another person, floating through life. When my problems, my holes, seem to big to fix, I will remember faith.

God, give me faith.

_______

I arrived home from the women's retreat renewed and itching to see my family. It has made me extra careful to soak everything in. 

Fall has reminded me of the Midwest's charm. I am looking forward to community picnics, annual auctions, and the magic of this season.

What says fall better than a baby in a pumpkin patch? 

This fall I will live with my heart and my eyes open. I will shut off the voices of doubt and instead pursue my dreams. I will wake up and find memories in the making. Oh, I am loving life. Care to join me?

Keepsake Quilting

From when Elina was born until she had her heart surgery, she didn't grow much. In fact there is a pair of premie shorts lingering in the back of her drawer that she wore until recently. 

Before she was born we were warned that babies go through there clothes like crazy. Elina was in size 3 months until she was 10 months! Needless to say, I am pretty attached to some of these outfits, but they have to go, because sister is a big girl now. 

I started making a keepsake quilt of her most loved baby clothes. 

It was hard to cut them at first! But Mikey and I are not having more kids for a looong time (if at all), so I knew it was what I wanted to do.

 

I have been learning as I go. I have never made a quilt before (or anything else, really).

After starting, I decided I wanted to personalize it. This was followed by about a hundred google searches on how to embroider.

I decided to embroider part of her verse which is Isaiah 62:1. It was too much for me to fit in the space I had though, so I decided to abbreviate it slightly. I ended up stitching, "Her righteousness shines like the dawn, Her salvation like a blazing torch." 

It has taken up a significant amount of time, but I am so excited about how it is coming together. 

More pictures on it as the project continues.

Until then, take a cue from Elina and curl up in your favorite chair.

Honest Moments: The Ignorant One

To My Elina,

I am writing this letter to ask you to forgive me. 

I was not always who I am today. There was a time when I was the ignorant one. 

There were so many times when I used the word, "ret---ed" and I didn't think about it twice.  didn't think about all the people who might be hurt by my words.

I never reached out to others who were different; sometimes out of "fear" of what was unfamiliar. I had only taken the time to consider stereotypes about people with special needs. Instead of being kind I chose to let this "fear" be my excuse to ignore. 

Not only do I want to apologize, beautiful one, I also want to thank you.

When you came into my life, you shook up everything I believed. 

Thank you for showing me that people with special needs are people with true worth.

You are a girl not defined by society. You have busted through every stereotype. You have given me new eyes and an open heart. 

Months before you were born a friend told me that you would be my greatest teacher. It  was hard for me to imagine that back then. Now I know how true that would become.Because of you...I am an advocate for all that have special needs.I am a person who measures worth by the soul, not by outward appearance.I know my purpose. I have found my cause. I have realized my revolution.I will work all my life to show others what you have shown me. 

with extra love,

Mama

Rocket Girl: Pulling to Stand

We woke up to a big surprise the other morning.

She was up all by herself, waiting to blow us away. This is a big first.

After last weeks post about milestones, I thought I was finished for a while.

She proved me wrong about that. This girl is up, up, onto everything, our rocket girl. It was completely unexpected. I thought she was too short, and that she didn't have the grip to get up by herself. We were sitting in the living room, watching her play when suddenly...

Bam.

 Now she is popping up everywhere like its no big thing. By the way, when I say everywhere, It mean even on a neighbor's huge potted plant. We had to wash the dirt out of her mouth.  
We are at the beginnings of a full blown toddler stage, and I love it (at least right now, I'm grateful, but still human). She is getting into everything. She is exploring every room in the house. I say bring it on, because I am just so blown away and thankful.

This book is a winner!

We have been absolutely gushing about this big milestone. Friends and family have told us that walking is just around the corner. It may be, but it may be a while. I am not sure what to expect. All I can do is keep working at it. 

It was a just after her birthday when I felt like I needed to step up my game. Early intervention can be a helpful thing, but after all it has to be the parent working everyday to make it happen. I was inspired when I stumbled upon a book of exercises for gross motor development.

Elina loves this new exercise. She can use the wall for balance while using more muscles and learning that she doesn't have to hold onto a hand to stand up. I can't get over the look of pride on her face each time she does this by herself. She has a lot to be proud of. 

We feel like we are slowly saying goodbye to our baby days. We are not in a rush to see them go, but we are excited for what is coming.