(re)Defining Me

I am having a chat with a fellow mother. We talk about the weather as our babies play around our feet. The other child pulls itself up and begins to toddle around the room. I realize that this baby is the same age as Elina. My daughter remains sitting by my feet, observing. This is how Down Syndrome separates my baby from hers. It is the first of many possible ways Elina may be different. I feel warmth running to my cheeks and inadequacy chokes me.

Why? Its the same reason parents sometimes feel they need to brag about a genius child or a budding Olympian. We believe our children reflect back to us.

If our child is smart, we think we have done something right (Which, of course, is possible). Or maybe we think that we are just the superior type of person that breeds amazing children.

Then there is the other side of the spectrum. I worry that people will think we are inferior because our child is not hitting milestones. It reflects badly, and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. So I end up compensating by pushing Elina to succeed or by telling myself that she is going to be better at something than someone else's child. Am I really worried about Elina? Or am I trying to fill some hole in the mirror of my self image?

Down Syndrome has challenged me far beyond the tangible difficulties like heart problems and early intervention. It has made me discover the shallow parts of myself. I learned that I find identity in the wrong ways. I think how smart I am, how I look, who I know, what I accomplish, who accomplishes more than me, all define what I am worth.

So what about her?

 If she isn't top of her class, does that mean she isn't important? Does it mean that I am not important?

What will I feel if people look at her in a weird way? Will I worry what they think of her? of me?

Elina shouldn't have to be something so that I can feel good about myself. It is wrong to try to live my life through my child. It is wrong for me to puff up my ego when she does something better than someone else.

Not only is it wrong, its a waste of life.

Freedom is knowing you are worth something. Freedom is leaving behind your ideas of who you need to be. When we accept ourselves we will be free to actually live our lives instead of hiding until we reach perfection. Perfection isn't coming, but life is already here.

I want Elina to have this freedom. I want to own it for myself. I want to throw away my notions about special needs. I want to embrace who my daughter is, and forget what people say she should be.

Because she already is who she should be; herself.

Elina enchants me. I am in awe of her spirit and her beauty. I refuse to let any set of expectations, stereotypes, or judgments cloud the truth of who she is, of who I am.

God, Help me to find beauty where I see flaws,

to see grace where I feel judgement

to discover freedom instead of clinging to lies